Have you ever loved someone so much to the point of not letting go that it confuses you?

I don’t know if it’s easy, to just love someone for four years, seperated by distance, three months and that’s enough time to say that you love another person. Well for me, it’s not that easy.

I’m well aware of my nature which is: keeping memories for too long until it hurts. I like to compare, truth and fact, right or wrong, love and attraction, me and…her.

I remember those messages you sent me at night, I thought you still felt the same, it gave me hopes, it gave me happiness, it gave me everything to actually believe.

I remember those times when we were still young, confused, and uncertain of our emotions, of what we were feeling.

I remember our last meeting and I regretted everything. I regretted for going home early, I regretted not talking about things we should talk, but most of all, I regretted for meeting you. If at least we didn’t meet, then I won’t regret much, I won’t feel like this now because it’s clear that our feelings are hidden and will always stay like that. Who cares if you’re dead by now if we didn’t meet that time? But we met, and I care. I care for everything—you, my feelings, your feelings, our feelings.

Ironic, isn’t it? How time flies, how people forget, and yet…I’m still here holding onto the past, tied to the memories I shouldn’t have kept.

Sure, I’ve found someone else I trust to make myself happy, but have I ever told anyone that I love him? Not the time yet, not the time. I like him, he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel that I’m the only creature in this world which means best for him, he makes me feel happy, he makes me feel everything nice. But c’mon, even the dumbest person in this world knows the difference between love and attraction, love and crush, love and like. Too bad you don’t.

I know what I’m feeling for you now isn’t love (anymore), it’s like a, I don’t know, an afterglow? But still, it confuses me and it makes me think, think and think. Is it that easy to say “I loveyou” ? Why didn’t you say the same words to me when we almost got together? When everything was still fine? When we were not seperated by this thing called distance?

Because deep inside, I’m still not letting go, and I guess it’s okay for me to finally cry..?

Four years,

and i finally come to a halt.