AWKWARD: Interjection used in a situation that is slightly uncomfortable, often accompanied by a variety of gestures: 1. Pulling the collar with one finger (this represents the sweat collecting under the collar from the AWKWARD situation) 2. Arms form a triangle over the head (such as the A in YMCA) 3. One finger pointing at the back of the other hands wrist 4. Pointing at the back of the neck - urban dictionary.

OK, so who doesn't love urban dictionary? 'Cause I definitely have a crush on it. And it's been going on for years ever since I've first known it. :D

OK. So.. here's the story I've got to tell.

If you're really following the trends of my blog, then you'll know that I've got stead with someone. And FYI, our relationship just went on for, like, 2 months and several days? And then I just HAD to end it.

Some people have their own complications in their life. No one's perfect here. And so am I. I've got this.. weird thing on me. I easily lost interest in people I like when I am in a relationship with them. But when I have no relationship-whatsoever with these people who I am attracted to, then the feelings' just the same and I hardly lost interest in them. And that's the matter in hand.

So some of my friends at school might think that I am a big-NO girl and I would say that I won't blame them for that. It's always my fault, anyways. I was the one who created the problem of our first (and probably last?) big fight, I was the one who asked him for mercy for that, I was the one who said that I was bored and tired waiting for him to actually ask me out (which he eventually did, it was just me pushing him to his last button, y'know?), and I was the one who asked for a breakup with him. And it was just a two-month relationship. See the asshole-ish side of me?

He gave me everything I need, in return, I gave him nothing but disappointment. He gave me those flowers he picked from the school's garden, he gave me belgian chocolate, he gave me letters, he gave me supports, he gave me souvenirs every time he just went for a trip to somewhere, he gave me forgiveness, he gave me love, he gave me almost everything. But what did I give him? You have the right to guess.

In the last minutes of our breakup, he only said that he was very disappointed at me and that I better not regret the decisions I made. He was very kind, even until the last minutes. 'Cause if I were him, then I'd kick his ass and tell him to get lost and that I will NOT see his face anymore. Ever. Also, probably a slap on the face 'cause he deserves it. I deserve it. Oh yes, and now I'm kind of sure that he hates me.

I actually don't want to be enemies with him, but I know it's hard. We're in the same class now for chrissake's, how could we be enemies? How could I stand the positive ~awkward~ situations that we'll get ourselves into? I know it's not that easy to forgive twice 'cause the wounds will still be there. But I can dream of it, right? I wanted to dream of the second forgiveness he'll give me and that we may still be friends. Kind of impossible though. Every time I think of it, the more I realize that we don't actually have anything in common. It's always been like that. Even when we're still close, we actually don't converse that much, we don't joke that much. It's always a pet on the head or he always helps me in something I can't do by myself or just holding hands or probably a kiss. And that ends it.

I can't feel any sparks, I do feel our relationship is too monotone, I don't understand myself, even. What do I really want, what do I seek in a relationship, what do I expect from him.. It's just something blur, a black and a white and you combine it together. I feel it just like that.

He told me, in the last minutes, that he still wanted to be with me and that he still loved me.... but what do you expect? If I were to continue this relationship, wouldn't it hurt him more, to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't actually love him the way he love her? He's too kind for me and I knew it from the start! He can't even be himself when he's around me. So what's there to lose?

I thought this is love, but now I'm no longer sure. It's my high school life anyways, people say that high school is the time where you can date as many guys as you want to see if someone can suit you perfectly. I'm taking no rush and I'm 100% sure he'll find someone better than me. Of course he'll find someone better than me! I'm the worst, I can even tell that I'm worse than his last ex. At least, I know for real that his last ex still keeps the same feelings towards him.

I think it's time to go back to my mute mode in class.

You believe that life is so fucking complicated, don't you? 'Cause I do believe that too. Forever perhaps.